For the avid fans whom I know have been waiting for my reviews of actual movies, do not worry, they are coming. Sorry for the delay, Fundamentals of American Law is 666 pages and Introductory International Law is 572 pages...yeah...oh, and I still have Arabic to learn, and writing two papers on nanofibers, so no biggie. Anyway...In the mean time I figured I could adequately apologize for my tardiness by just commenting on the trailers I have seen for No Strings Attached being re-released on July 22nd as Friends With Benefits. I guess when you rename a movie people will go watch it again, but I am very confused by a lot of things I see in the trailers. I will explain in detail.
I guess I just found it strange that they wanted to re-release the movie since it was hardly worth watching the first time. The trailers do not seem to show anything really different though. As a matter of fact the two trailers from January and now the new ones from yesterday are almost the exact same thing. The dialogue, the framing, the camera angle, the "jokes" and the dialogue; it just seems like all they did was rename the movie. I don't know, I guess they just knew Transformers would suck and after producing anything with Justin Bieber Paramount wanted to make a movie that actually made $147 million more than expected...or was it Screen Gems...eh, F&^% it!
I am a little worried about how some things in the movie are not how I remember them to be. Natalie Portman is not as attractive, she is taller and now has a deep tan. Plus her acting talent has totally disappeared. I guess all the effort of making Your Highness was very taxing on her. When you make such an awesome parody of bad movies I guess it takes a lot out of you. And Ashton Ketchup is even worse than he normally is...and he is shorter too. Hum, I do not remember them looking like this but what do I know, all I remember from the first movie was the dumb carrot joke anyway since that was the only thing worth remembering.
So the movie premise is that these two are sleeping with each other but agree that emotions will not get in the way...gee, I wonder what's going to happen...
Yeah that's about it. I guess where the plot is boring as a piece of toast the dialogue is "edgy" because someone says the word masturbate. Oh, and that incredibly pathetic, I mean funny scene at the bar that goes on for fifteen minutes about how much fun it is going to be when you have sex with your unconscious wife. Yeah, these characters are awesome...so anyway back from death and depression, sorry I meant marriage...
Apparently in the "new" trailer their is even a scene that is SUPER racy because Woody Harrelson says that they are sleeping together and let's the whole audience know what's going on is such an over the top fashion we know they are DEFINITELY having sex outside of marriage...OH MY GOD! I really do not remember this scene from the movie and I really do not remember Woody Harrelson at all...eh, maybe I just missed that part where he stops by in between hunting wanted Mexican drug cartel assassins and running over zombies to be a huge movie producer. You know scenes like that are very easy to miss. Maybe it happened when I went to the bathroom ten minutes in...I was trying to stab my eyes out with a soda bottle...
Also, aside from Natalie Portman's scene where she says "We should use each other for sex." they had to put in the scene that makes it even more obvious that they are going to have sex and joke about it but eventually they cave into feelings. You know, the scene where she asks why they never show you what happens in the movie after the romantic kiss and short Ashton Kushie says "Oh they do, they call them pornos." Oh man, that is so funny and witty. I'll bet Michael Bay spent five minutes helping them write that dialogue. It is always a good idea to show contempt for the audience; just ask M. Night Shamamalama-sama-bama-kuh.
I guess it could be worse: short Ashton Kabul could always walk in front of me and actually hit me over the head with a pipe wrench. Maybe I should be grateful...
So yeah, I don't know. I guess Paramount is just at that point where they are so cynical they just say that another production company is putting out their movie under a different name, and not change anything of substance or style at all. I mean I know there is no group of people who are so lazy and cynical that they watch the movie someone else made and literally word for word, scene for scene copy it and put in that "other girl" from Black Swan and the other ex-Abercrombie and Fitch unless meat pack, I mean zombie, I mean "model" rather than actually try casting or writing for themselves...I mean that would just be pathetic on a level even George Lucas could not top. I guess I just want to chastise them for thinking the same exact movie under a different title will trick people for very long into thinking it is a new movie.
Maybe they at least decided to really focus on how it is actually a horror film and will help serve as a prequel to the new Zombieland movie. Maybe short Ashton Kurukannan will be the first one eaten...I'd love to see that scene. Maybe they could use it as a metaphor on how overzealous use of your body will slowly cause you to be eaten away, only in the metaphor it's with zombies and not self eating flesh demons, or Groover. They could even use a low angle approach shot to demonstrate dominance of body over self. It would be a very moving scene.
I guess if you are a drooling idiot who has no concept of subtlety and like side boob shots you will love No Strings Attached with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kuddlebear, even though it got renamed Friends With Benefits. I guess it could be worse, I mean it could be that a studio totally stole the entire concept, direction, dialogue and tone of another studio's movie and just chucked in actors off of Craig's List and called it their own and new. At least there is still that much...
Wait a second I have to go answer my phone - I'll be right back.
Yup...yeah...no why?
Wait, what? What do you mean they are two different movi....
DA DA DA DA DUM DE DUM DUM DUM! BA WHOOP!
Production of Ebert's Equivalent (c) 2011 :-)
...don't worry little Billy, mommy is coming soon, she can't live with this knowledge either....
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